It is a beautiful Sunday morning. I have opened the drapes and I am grateful for the light that fills my bedroom. Instantly, THE Sunday morning question arises: Should I dress and go to church? The answer is always the same: yes, I should. Instead, I make coffee and climb back in the nest with my computer. Writing is my first order of business, but the rest of the day is a blank sheet of paper and I wonder how I will fill it.
THE Sunday morning question used to never be a question. I was a preacher’s kid. I suppose I still am, as my 70 year old dad, still pastors a small church. I used to spend every Sunday morning, and every Sunday night, and every Wednesday night inside the doors of our church. Of course, if there were any special meetings on any other night of the week, I was present for that as well. I was not just present. At different times in my life, I actively participated in everything: church pianist, choir director, choir member, soloist, Sunday school teacher, children’s church director, nursery director, youth leader, musical ensemble director, janitor, blah, blah, blah. I know how to “do” church.
These days, I rarely go. I feel guilty, of course and my dad makes sure of it.
My faith has been sorely tested over the past 10 years and I do not know how to re-believe all that I was taught. I cannot discount what I know of my heavenly Father yet, I struggle to reconnect to a church. My rear view mirror reflects that while living the Christian life, the abundant life, I was dying on the inside.
I attribute some of this to my life as a preacher’s kid. Church was my life because it was my dad’s profession. I see now, it was like launching a business that you want to see succeed. Our whole family poured ourselves into this business of church. From childhood, I helped shoulder the burden of the success or failure of this venture. Church was never a place to go to be encouraged. It was a job; one for which, I never applied.
Still, I recognize my need for a church family; we all need support and fellowship. I have searched Athens for a place where I fit but I have not found it and I have thrown in the towel. My hope is that one day I will move from this place and there will be new options to explore. Until then….